Monday, December 18, 2006

Car Rants

I saw something that almost turned my stomach today. I had seen it before, but today was almost more than I could take.
What is up with Detroit and Tokyo or Nagasaki or wherever the Japanese make their decisions on what the color combinations will be for their cars? Who had the bright idea that a Forest Green car would look good with a Tan convertible top? I'll betcha it was a GUY.
Now I know that some of you are gonna try and tell me that said guy put it out there for marketing to do a consumer study. Since GUYS buy more Sports cars than women and gay men, probably combined, therein lies the problem. Forest Green and tan do NOT match. They just don't. And anyone with a smidge of style, like a WOMAN or a GAY man knows that! The proper color convertible top and interior for a Forest green car is, take your pick: Forest green; Black, Pearl green.
I do NOT want to hear you whiney Wankers sayin', "It's too hooot here to have a dark top." OR "A Pearl green top will just show all the dirt and dust." First, that's what air conditioning is for, to keep you cool when you absolutely, positively HAVE to have the top up, you poor thing. And as for the second whine, I have three words: Car Wash and Protectant.
Anyone with any sense of aesthetics knows I'm spot on with this one. Detroit, I'm waiting for an e-mail. But I don't come cheap!

My next rant concerns the H3 yesterday in the Mall parking lot. First of all, let's face facts. The H3 is nothing more than an overpriced Ford Explorer or Suburban, OK? It just has that Hummer body style and the Hummer 'badge'. But if you're gonna spend the bucks to buy a Hummer, the least you can do is drive it with a little bit of pride. I am referring to the wussy way you swerved around every speed bump in the parking lot. PUHLEEZE!
I used to drive a Ford Ranger and I wasn't afraid of speed bumps. Heck, I laughed at speed bumps because I knew I had enough clearance to amke it over them without draggin' any part of my undercarriage. If I could do it in a Ranger, you could do it in a HUMMER, you big Baby. If you were thinkin' about your front end alignment, then I don't EVEN feel sorry for you. If a Hummer's alignment can't survive a speed bump, you're even stupider than you drive for paying that much money for an overpriced POS!

Rants over.

9 comments:

Pawpaw said...

I drove a real HMMWV for a couple of years. No A/C, it leaked when it rained, but it would go absolutely anywhere and was dead-nuts reliable. Neither the H2 or the H3 have anything in common with the real deal.

The civilian version is like getting a kiss through a screen door.

Rabbit said...

You're in rare form lately.

Ever since seeing one several years ago when we were kinda heavy into VW's, SWMBO has had an itch for a nice Karmann Ghia , black with a camel or buckskin top and interior. I have to admit, it's an attractive concept. I myself like black paint, but it's probably genetic, as my grandfather started out his professional life as a Model T mechanic (you can have one any color you like as long as it's black). SWMBO dislikes black vehicles, and gives as her excuse 'they're hot in the summer'. I gently remind her that a/c is standard these days and window tint is inexpensive. To me, the argument falls flat. Red and black are the primary colors in my rainbow anyway.

To her credit, SWMBO won't look at silver vehicles, as she was broadsided in her silver Honda by a driver who said 'she didn't see her'. Claims it's the same color as a roadway and likes bright paint schemes or those which contrast with the expected color of the highway.

On Hummers- someone, and forgive me, but I don't for the life of me recall who, called a H2 a 'Suburban with a codpiece' awhile back. It kinda makes sense if you think about it. The only H2 I've seen offroad was pulled out of the woods with a broken suspension member. Seems their offroad rating is the occasional curb-hopping while pulling into the driveway.

SWMBO's oldest Incubus has a nice '76 Bronco that is not only functional but slick. He and I giggle about all the H2's and H3's we see with big chrome wheels with ultra-low profile tires bouncing around the freeways. he roughest terrain any of them will cover is on Lower Greenville's potholed streets or South Oak Cliff. Wire rims on a Hummer are as abberant to me as fancy wood grips on a SIG.

Regards,
Rabbit.

HollyB said...

Now Rabbit, I don't mean to insult you, but you are not a GUY, you Sir, are a Gentleman. As such you have a Gentleman's refined tastes. Black and camel or buckskin DO go together quite nicely in a car color scheme. Shoot, Red and camel/buckskin will go together.
The examples you and Pawpaw give are why I term Hummers overpriced POSs.

Memphis Steve said...

Oh no, don't you blame that on ALL MEN. That's a color scheme a black man or a Puerto Rican man would love, but not just any man. It's all about the flava, the flava of yuck.*

* Disclaimer: my apologies to any black or Puerto Rican man who read the color combo and felt ill, too.

Flo said...

Whew! Feel better?

Flo said...

Harumph! Comment moderation? Bet Cait's gonna have a hissy fit about the lack of instant gratification!

Can't take a little spam? I haven't had anymore since that one a while back.

phlegmfatale said...

You know, the color thing is a mystery to me, although I do know the hunter green/tan combination has been a standard on Jaguars for as long as they've been making 'em. It does look wonky - it's a color combo that makes me think of camping gear, for some reason, or big rubber hip-waders, or somesuch. What's kind of gross is the trends you see - like every so often, you'll suddenly start seeing loads of new cars in canary yellow. Eek. That shouldn't ought to happen. Here's to the old days when you could order your car in any color you wanted, so long as that color was black. Ah, the simpler times...

Lovi said...

Have't seen that combination of colors but we have a bright colored VW runnin around our town. It is the ugliest shade of yellow (and yellow is my favorite color). Just makes me wanna grab a fly-swatter and swat the d*mn thing

Matt G said...

I like, and have always liked, hunter green or British Racing Green with tan leather. It was Jaguars that first inspired my love of that match. I've long wanted a car set up so.

I note that this particular rant uses green on beige (lighter green than hunter green, but it's close). It looks good.

Braking hard to slowly roll an H-Anything is pretty ghey. And, as Hummer is sold by GM, I believe that the H3 is a re-bodied Blazer.