Having Fulfilled

my maritial duties and now having the Dearly Beloved back on the homestead, I can resume my true calling: entertaing the masses with my wit and incisive view of current events and the sorry state of the human condition.

In that quest to make you last I will now reproduce the text of an email sent to me by a friend living on a little slice of paradise known as Galvez's Isle.



I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or was it twice?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. {this ones for you, gbro.}

All I ask ... is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them. {oh yeah, this is definitely me!}

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds. {story of my life}

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. {Yeppers}

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"? {I used to facilitate one of those}

Is there another word for synonym? {let me check my Thesaurus}

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? {RazzMaTaAz, wanna answer this one?}

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus? {See above}

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? {ask Trotsky or Lenin}

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? {or those sleek Dolphins}

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken? {I'll let Jessica Simpson answer this one}