CupCake Man

When that nutjob in San Francisco used the "Twinkie" defense, I wasn't surprised. His lawyer had probably talked to the lawyer here who had the unfortunate luck [now there's an oxymoron I didn't even plan] to be appointed to represent "Cupcake" man.

Friday was my "Duty" day. That meant I had to stay in the office that day. I couldn't do any home visits, couldn't go to the jail and do any interviews, had to stay in the office and see my miscreants and any new releasees if the PO they would be assigned to was out of the office.
On a Parolee's first visit to the Parole office a requirement of their release was for a Parole Officer to read the Parole Certificate and any special conditions typed on the face of said Certificate to the Parolee and explain every word and phrase to them. Then the Parole officer and the Parolee had to sign the certificate attesting that it had been read, explained and that the parolee completely understood every word, phrase, comma, and period.
That way, later on, if s/he violated one of the terms of his/her release they could NOT claim they did not know or understand it was not "okay" for them to do what ever they had done that was in violation of their parole conditions.

So I stayed til 6pm on the first Friday of every month so that the Parolees who worked in the far parts of the county could make it in after they got off work at 5pm. Since a lot of these folks were real good at pushing limits, and they knew the doors got locked at 6, they'd show up at 5:58. But that was fine. I got comp time. I knew I could come in late, or take off early on a different day, or save it up until I had 8 hours of comp time and take a whole Monday off and have a three day weekend. Anyhoo...

This particular Friday I get a call from Officer Greg at the Local Poleece Department about 5:30 pm. Seems he and Officer Dave have answered a call at Mrs.Baird's Discount Bakery.
My Parolee, whom I shall call Cupcake Man, had gotten a craving for one of those delicious little chocolate cupcakes filled with white cream and iced with chocolate with the white zigzags on top. Know the ones I mean? If you're real careful, you can just peel that icing off in one piece.

Well, Cupcake Man gets to the bakery and there's ONE package of cupcakes left. Another patron has just reached for it, has his hand on what Cupcake Man really, really wants. What is Cupcake Man to do? Someone else is taking what he NEEDS!!! With his left hand Cupcake Man grabs the package of those wonderful, delicious, tasty delights, with his right fist, he slugs the other patron right smack dab on the zygomatic arch under his left eye.
This maneuver causes several things to happen. The other patron releases his hold on the cupcakes, which is all that concerns Cupcake Man. He goes to the cash register to pay for his treat, but the clerk is too busy calling to Poleece to ring up his purchase, so he just walks outside with his chocolate trophy and sits down on the curb in the parking lot and begins to eat his own version of taste bud heaven.
The reason the other patron released his hold on the package of cupcakes is because of the searing pain in his left cheek and the fact that his left eye is no longer secure in its socket. He's sitting on the floor, screaming in pain, both hands cupping the left side of his face, rocking back and forth.
One of the clerks is on the phone by the cash register calling the Police. The other clerk has run in the back of the store screaming for help. Some of the delivery drivers are back there. Some go into the store and check on the other clerk and the patron. One grabs a first aid kit. And one, keeps his cool and calls the Fire Department for an Ambulance.

When Officer Greg and Officer Dave arrived at Mrs. Baird's Bakery, Cupcake Man is still sitting on the curb, there in the parking lot. But the arrival of two squad cars, lights and sirens going full tilt boogie, seems to snap CCM out of his chocolate induced reverie, according to Officer Greg. His head whips around, he bounds off the curb like he's doin' his best "Tigger" impression and takes off down the side street.

Officer Greg and Officer Dave give pursuit. They shout, "STOP! PO-LEEZE!" Cupcake man continues to flee. Officer Greg and Officer Dave continue to pursue. Officer Greg and Officer Dave do not like to pursue. In fact, Officer Greg and Officer Dave REALLY do not like to pursue fleeing felons when they are wearing slick soled shoes, full gear and body armor on hot days.

I must take a sec to give y'all a quick description of Offiver Greg and Officer Dave. They were both in their late 20's, and had they not been law enforcement officers, they could have played defensive linemen for the Cowboys. They weren't big, they were HUGE.

So here's the fleeing 5'10", 170lbs felon, and there's the two HUGE LEOs chasing him. Finally, Officer Greg reaches out to grab Cupcake Man around the shoulders, but winds up with his left upper arm. CCM pivots around with his right fist aimed at Officer Greg's face. Luckily, Officer Greg ducked under CCM's arm and Officer Dave was able to get a good hold on the right arm preventing further swinging with that arm.

But Officer Greg lost his hold on the left arm. It took those two officers a good 10 minutes of heavy effort to get Cupcake man subdued. And they had to call for assistance. It eventually took four officers to get him handcuffed and leg-shackeled and into the backseat of a squad-car.

And this is not the end of the...saga.